Blaring Burrito Drama
by Penmaster51
Summary: Alec, Jane, Felix and Demetri are very OOC when they enter the baseball field at the end of Eclipse. It only takes one certain vampire with "D" in his name and his blaring Ipod for the drama to begin...M for bad langauge & warnings: OOC, flatulence.


**M for unaltered adult language/heavy implied adult situations. Warnings: OOC (Out Of Character, for Volturi), flatulence.**  
**This spoof was inspired by these two pictures (I suggest looking at them first):  
**  
**Link One**- [space]com/image/photos/10800000/Eclipse-Trailer-1-HQ-the-volturi-10836760-1920-816[space]jpg  
**Link Two**[space]com/files/X4HL4sx3GI8EnqUsJRXrUc-26jx4JWLI0YEjh0JcW2vee-iCc*cDvjezIyYKpr*ee1*UuBQMeE5iM11S-LpkUo*UcGrjCyvn/Volturi[space]JPG?width=721**  
****  
Where ever there is a [space] put a period (.).  
Some ideas inspired with ShadowWolf43 after chatting. Enjoy!**

**"Everywhere I Go" & "California" lyrics © Hollywood Undead. I own nothing of this story; all characters belong respectively to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

The four volturi members walk into the meadow, which was deep and lush, full of life. Their beady red eyes stare at the cleared meadow before them.

Jane, their leader, a short blonde with a power beyond thought of. Alec, to her right, was similar; his baby like face with blood red eyes stood out against his pale skin. All of their red eyes did. Felix, to Jane's left, loomed above them all; like a tower and it's sentaries.

Then suddenly, they realized they're missing someone. Jane hissed and all three of them turned around, looking for their last comrade. He was nowhere to be seen, but every vampire could hear this Hollywood Undead song echoing in the woods, the chorus blaring from someone's earphones…

_Let's get this party started  
Let's keep them 40's poppin  
So just get buzzed and stay fucked up  
We'll keep them panties droppin_

Demetri, holding his gleaming red Ipod, came shaking into the meadow, his eyes closed and his voice quietly singing to the song. His hips moved and he shuffled in, wagging his fingers to the beat. Alec looked like he may be sick, Felix stared at the sky whispering "Please have a metor hit me now" and Jane was shaking her head.

Demetri was completely oblivious to his auidence.

"_I'll blame it on this whisky sipping gets me tipsy, Drink fast and enjoy your buzz_," he sang. "_So I'll beat my meat like I'm a fuckin' butcher; And I'll punk the pussy like I'm Ashton Kutcher_!"

"Oh my, it's _that _song," Jane whispered, her eyes widening in realization. It was too late. Demetri sang the chorus line, dancing at the end of the meadow and moving around in a circle. Suddenly, with a swift click, he had changed it to a new song but by the same artist… Everyone ignored the song until the chorus suddenly came on.

"_California show me love; Get buzzed; let's get fu-_"

"Demetri!" Jane snapped. Immediately, the male vampire, who was practically lost in his own little world, stopped and paused. He popped an ear bud out, grinning impishly.

"We're here already?"

Jane growled. Demetri shrugged, about to put it back in. "No! We're here on business! Get that damn ear bud out and get over here, damnit!" Jane stomped her foot, glaring at him.

Demetri sighed, pocketed his Ipod and strode over, smiling to himself. He settled in his spot, to Alec's right. The other vampire was giving him a weird look but the male was ignored. The… entrance of the Volturi gang continued.

Edward narrowed his eyes, focusing on their quite bland minds.

Little was said. Of course, they knew of his power. They knew what to think and what not to think. But suddenly, someone's rather odd thoughts introrupted Edward's train of thought…

_Look at that cute little fuzzy bunny go. So cute and fluffy! _The frosted brown hair man was smiling in the direction of the supposed rabbit; Edward gawked at his thoughts. This was coming from Demetri, who had just been listening to very… dirty songs. The other three were menacingly looking at the Cullens, all of their anger poured into their face but yet, still held some-

_Fuzzy, fuzzy bunny! Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail! _Edward looked at the man; he appeared to be lost in Lala land. Jane followed his eyes and realized what had happened.

"Demetri," she hissed.

_Lalala, bunny, honey… ummm… Money, funny, runny… sunny! _The man seemed please to be thinking of all the rhyming words for his word… bunny. _Look at it go! It's big white feet so big-_

"Demetri, for damn's sake, will you pay attetnion?" Jane snapped, glaring at the male to her right. She was leaning forward and glowering at him, her head turned in his direction. Alec seemed to becoming increasingly uncomfortable as time ticked away.

Demetri did the same, leaning forward and turned his head her direction.

"I am paying attetion!" He denied. Edward watched the argument in amazement and… stupidity. Obviously, Demetri was not as… focused at the others. Jane scowled.

"No you're not."

Demetri huffed angrily and glared at her. "Yes I am. I merely acknowledging that we were in fact, not alone." His eyes darted to the bushes. Suddenly, a grin broke out on his face and he pointed towards the bush.

"Oh look! A bunny!" He seemed genuinely happy to see the fuzzy brown creature. Jane sighed, pulled herself back straight up, much to Alec's pleasure. The boy's body relaxed only for a second when Demetri leaned, across his mid waist and grinned at Jane.

"See, I was paying attention to our whole scary façade _and_ noticed there was, in fact, a bunny hopping through the bushes." He smirked proudly. Jane rolled her eyes and went back to the scene. Demetri hovered in his spot, waiting for the pain when Alec shoved him away.

"Move you fool!" He growled, his hand curling where Demetri's neck had been. The male rolled his eyes and went back to looking smug. Alec went back to looking… well, Alec.

Jane slowly lowered her hood, staring at the Cullen coven. Alec hovered behind her, wary of the others. Demetri stood off to Alec's right when suddenly...

"_Oh my god Demetri!"_ Jane squealed, her eyes flashing angrily.

Alec starts to choke, his hands desperately grasping at his throat; a pathetic attempt to stop the scent reaching his throat. But it was in vain; the stench had entered his system as soon as it was released.

Felix turns to his coven mate and stared at him. "I told you you shouldn't have tried the burrito! You should've gone for the nachos!"

"It's not my fault! They were delicious smelling!" Demetri whined, looking incrediably handsome while doing so. Felix growled and rolled his eyes. Alec collaspsed to the ground, flailing around like a fish out of water. There was a moment of thick silence as everyone watched him.

Then suddenly... he became still.

"You killed him!" Jane's voice held everyone's surprise.

"What? You can't kill a vampire by... by..." Demetri's words stuttered; if he had been human, his cheeks would have been burning red.

"Just say it," Felix said with an irritated sigh. Demetri shook his head stubbornly, pursing his lips together in a straight line.

"You farted, okay? You, a vampire of a hundred- sixty-two years old, passed gas because you decided that 'Hey it's been a really long time since I've had something to eat- let's stop at Taco Bell'!" Felix huffed, continueing on with his rant. "So off you went, paying god knows how much for way over priced buritos! And they weren't even that good! What happened to plain nachos- or even better, humans!"

Demetri's eyes started to well up in mositure.

"And so you chowed down three fucking burritos in one sitting! God knows when you'll upchuck that up, let alone frickin blow up the Atlantic Ocean with your stench!" Felix was obviously having a bad day. He was not usually this… blunt with his words, especially around the sensitive tracker.

Alec still laid on the ground, untouch because everyone was sure Demetri's... smell was still on him. Perhaps most had forgotten him; when another twitch went through his body, obviously the later was what happened.

Demetri started to cry.

"How can you say such terrible mean things about me! You know I'm sensitive about my... my problem!"

Demetri glanced at the huge looming male above him and then nervously at the Cullens across the meadow. Faces of absolute shock and disgust were plastered on there. Demetri covered his face with his hands, sobbing to his heart's content.

"Oh, now I'm the bad guy? Obviously tracking down innocent humans isn't a crime anymore! Ha! Go sit in a corner and cut yourself!"

"Ahhhahahaha!" Demetri sobbed, spun around and raced back into the forest.

Jane rubbed her temples with her fingers, trying to relax. "Every time we leave Italy, those two bicker like a little old married couple till I beat the living shit out of them."

Alec slowly regains consciousness... he realizes he's not in Kanas, or Italy for that matter, anymore. He blinked, glancing around the meadow curiously.

"Where am I?"

Jane sighed, rolling her neck till it cracked. Oh, hate she hated this job. Why couldn't she have just died? It would been so much better; than having to deal with these guys. My god, it's like a reality TV show! She thought to herself.

"You're fine Alec. You're in Forks."

"Who's Alec? What a Forks?"

Jane rolled her shoulders, trying not to force her gift upon her brother. It was quite diffacult to refuse. Felix strode back in, glowering from the looks of it. His eyes were dark and menacing; obviously, he didn't catch Demetri.

"Where did he run off too?" Jane asked. Felix hissed his answer; not a tangiable word came off his tongue.

Jane sighed, glanced at her pitifully lost brother who was staring up at the sky like it was magic and rubbed her temples again. It would be a very long night.

"We should just leave him here- leave him with the Cullens…" Felix offered. The offer did seem tempting, Jane thought; so get rid of Demetri would be like a daydream come true! But it would be so hard to get rid of him though; with his excellent tracking sense…

Suddenly, there was a giant rustle and Demetri burst out of the bushes, his eyes furious. One hand was held behind his back while the other pointed a menacing finger at Felix, who looked rather quite bored with life.

"How can you leave me here? You're such a bunch of rotten nose, vain, self-centered, ignorant asses! I hope you all burn in hell!" He screeched, his hand behind his back coming into view. A poor rabit, still alive, was wiggling in his hands; quite actually, it wore a little blue jacket, like the Peter Cottontail old children stories. Suddenly, with a big hurl, the grey bundle flew through the air and smacked Felix right in the face.

The small bundle fell to the ground with a soft thud and twitched. Alec stared at in fascination; he had never seen such a fun little creature before. The rabit, miracuriously, was unharmed and got up, brushed it's jacket clean of dirt then hopped away. Alec started to follow it, hunched over it like a cat inspecting an odd looking toy. He wasn't sure whether he was suppose to stroke it or punt it across the meadow… no one of the Volturi noticed him disappearing.

Carlisle felt like he should say something. But he didn't; perhaps it was best to let them work the rest out themselves… perhaps they were all rilied up from the human food Demetri tricked them into eating.

"How can you be so mean? You know I'm a delicate-"

"Asshole! How many times have we told you not to mess these things up?" Felix screamed. Yes, this was probably he sole "I hate the world" days; he had only one, every year.

"Stop yelling at me!" Demetri sobbed, smothering his hands in his face to stiffle the sobs. Felix threw up his hands and agaisnt Demetri's pleas, continued to rant about how he does everything wrong with his life.

Jane sighed, glanced around and realized Alec had disappeared. Her shoulders slouched, defeated and quite tired. She turned around and then noticed the little vampire girl sitting and staring at her. Wasn't she suppose to do something right know?

"Felix…"

"… you're nothing but a bundle of crap, no matter what your counsellor says!" Felix roared. Jane sighed again.

"Nevermind then." I'm going to murder them all, she thought.

"Shut up! Just shut up!" Demetri sobbed. The Cullens hung back, warily watching the scene in front of them play out. Jasper started to edge away from Bree, overtaken by the emotions streaming off the Volturi gang.

God knows where Alec was wandering off too. Perhaps he, himself, had thought he had become a "fuzzy bunny" and joined the colony. Who knows? Jane just wanted to go home. It was like a nasty road trip with the crazy family; something she wants to do never. Ever. Again.

"Be quiet!" Felix snarled. "You're nothing but a little ass-wimp!"

"No you!" Demetri demanded.

Ah yes. One crazy, happy family of overly sensitive vampires, insensitive vampires and the one who wasn't exactly clear in the head all the time. And her. Yes, one big… huggable… happy… family. Ha! Who was she kidding?

The Volturi were a bunch of gorgeous pricks with major problems that consist of these three names: Felix, Alec and…

"Demetri!" Jane hissed, turning to look at the male. Once again, Demetri's stench became apparent. Emmett snickered on the other side and Carlisle gagged, pressing his hand to his throat. Bella looked actually a bit green. The Volturi tracker gave a sympathetic smile to Jane.

He said, "Sorry. That time, it was just the bad blood speaking."


End file.
